Lost Love
by Simple Serendipity
Summary: Sometimes when you miss someone it is a good idea to write a letter to them, showing them how much you love and miss them. Tiva. It's better than summary!


**First NCIS fanfic so please review and let me know what you think. **  
**Usual disclaimers apply. I do not own NCIS (I wish I did though)**

My Tony,

It's been quite a while, hasn't it?

Although, in some ways not long enough, there are times when it just seems like you left yesterday and I can remember it all too clearly. The last time I saw you, if my memory serves me right, you were wearing that green shirt I'd bought you years ago for your birthday. I loved that shirt on you; especially that tiny hole in the back of the neck which you refused to let me mend. You said it gave the shirt more character. Your jeans! Do you remember how you got paint all over them whilst you were painting the nursery and I went absolutely berserk because you refused to let me get the paint fully out or buy you a new pair. You said it gave your jeans 'character'.

Even though it's been a while, I still think of you often enough. Okay, that is a lie. I think of you every single day, whether it is a song on the radio or even something as simple as a person quoting a movie, everything reminds me of you. Although, lately it is true that my memories haven't been quite so clear and sure like they used to be. No-one else knows this but I dream of you almost every night like clockwork. Even when I sleep you are still on my mind. Sometimes I dream that I would be on my way home from work after a long day and I just happen to see you on the street. We would go for a coffee and you would walk me home, we would talk about everything. You'd tell me how you're doing and I would listen. I would complain about my work hours again, and this time you would listen.

Hasn't quite been like that lately, I can't quite seem to remember your laughter lines as well, your voice sounds a little bit off sometimes, your smiles is all wrong too. What's worse is when you laugh, no noise comes out and I don't hear that amazing sound which was my most favourite sound in the entire world. I think I may be forgetting you.

That's okay though, right? I know you would still laugh at my jokes, which are not all that funny, I can still feel you comforting me when things get almost too much to bear. Sometimes, I don't know why I'm worried. You would never leave me completely alone, would you?

Photo albums, I remember you saying that I needed to make photo albums instead of just keeping my memories locked up in an old shoe box underneath my bed. I did it, you would love them. It may have taken me weeks on end to complete but I did it. It wasn't easy. In actuality, I would say it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Seeing all those old photographs of you and me together, and not having any of us nowadays. We'll never have new pictures together, will we? But that is okay, I will always have these. I will treasure these for as long as I live. I put a few of them in frames. There was one taken of us when we weren't looking. I think it was on the same beach that you proposed to me one. In the photograph you are looking at me with your arms around my waist, you are smiling; my head is thrown back in what is seemingly a fit of laughter. No doubt I was laughing over something you had said, you never failed to make me laugh. We looked so happy, I remember in your proposal you asked me to stay with you forever. Why didn't you promise me the same thing? That photo is framed and on my side of our bed. There is a picture on your side, our wedding picture. You look beautiful, so handsome. I still cannot believe I was lucky enough to marry you.

Declan said his first word today, and I'll tell you it broke my heart that you missed it. He was running around our living room, well, I say running but I think a more appropriate word would be stumbling. Can you guess what his first word was? It was 'no'. Can you believe that? I had turned off the television and he started running around saying no repeatedly. Trust it to be your son's first word. He is such a stubborn, beautiful child. He is every bit as charming as his Daddy. He looks almost exactly like you. His fluffy, bouncy brown hair isn't quite as put together as yours was but I suppose he inherited the wild hair from me. He has your soft brown eyes though, so mischievous and yet so kind and loving at the same time. He is going to cause so much trouble when he grows up. I wish you could have met him. You would have loved him so much. He really is a mini you.

Tony, I really miss you. I wish you could somehow come back to me. I miss how you would hold me in your arms; I miss how you would look at me across the Bullpen when you thought I wasn't looking. I miss how you were with Gibbs, and I know he misses you too. So does everyone. We remember you a lot though. Abby has a small picture of you on her desk. It isn't framed or anything but we all know it is there.

I know you can't come back to me but I wish that there was a way we could be together. I know it is not possible now. I have to look after our son. I still blame myself for your death. It was my car we were in. I know you refused to let me drive because of my 'pregnancy hormones' but it was my car. I hadn't known there was going to be something wrong with it. I wouldn't have let you get in it if I had known. Why did you shield me from the impact of the other car? Then we could have been together. We could have still been together if only you hadn't tried to be the hero. Now I'm alone. Yes, I have Declan but I don't have you. I still need you. I don't think I can do this by myself. I hate you for leaving me. Please just come home.

Please, my love. My little hairy butt, please just come home to me.

I miss you and will wait for you.

Yours eternally,

Ziva DiNozzo.


End file.
